Rant 414

 Ok y'all so I was thinking to myself maybe I need to quit smoking weed and I look up at the time and see it's 4:14 which isn't one of my typical numbers i see 404 a lot i usually relate that to my aunts thinking about me i digress anywho i looked it up and this is what it said - is that a sign to quit smoking i mean it's been weighing on me and idk if it's JUST smoking cuz I've been pondering edibles and whether I should make them or buy them ready to go - i find edibles don't pack the punch they claim to have i see them in movies and people freak out on them that happened to me once the first time I had one but it was a homemade one from some random guy I met on a phone party line when I was like 18 maybe 17 yea I met a guy on a phone went to his house ate an edibles and passed out i woke up to him and a girl with me in a car driving me to the Timonium light rail station i fell asleep on the light rail from Timonium to Linthicum and woke up just in time to get off the train with ppl staring at me idk if I was snoring, talking or both 

Edit i forgot to put in what it said 🤣🤣🤣

The angel number 414 is a message of transformation and positive change. It can mean that you should embrace the opportunities and shifts in your life, and trust that they will lead to greater fulfillment. 

https://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/extrasensory-perceptions/414-angel-number.htm 

this one time in day camp

So when we lived in Cali or New Mexico my mom put me in this YMCA summer day camp and they took us to a lake. Some of the kids had a tube and I was hanging on it and they pushed me off (mind you I'm was a good swimmer) and my feet got caught up in seaweed. I started drowning and the counselors were just staring at me. Luckily this random guy jumped in and saved me, he was a very muscular black man. I wish I could say thank you.

Writer's Block

 So I started writing my book and basically got 1 page of the first book done and I need to turn the manuscript in by the 27th ugh... I don't know whether to just go for it and write what I lived or say fuck it and give up.  I'm trying to avoid the latter but I gave myself an unrealistic release date which is typical self destructive behavior and when I'm lying in bed at night a lot of the time I think of these great things to write which aren't relevant to my first book but I don't even take the time to write it down which is so stupid... idk maybe I'll try I just have no motivation.

#writersblock

#lackofmotivation

#noselfdiscipline

#autobiography

#homeless

#recovery

Considering Writing A Book

 I wanted to get ya'lls opinion, I'm thinking about writing a book about my move and consequential homelessness in Texas.  I was interested to see if any of ya'll would read/purchase it if I were to do it.  My idea is to write it in small batches and sell it on Amazon for like 1.99 a batch!?!? Give me your feedback please.  I finally bought myself a laptop to encourage me to start my writing process and this blogpost is my first step in that process.

#homeless

#lifestory

#Austin

So Woohoo new freaking year but still the same me

I really need to get out of Baltimore it's no good for me but neither is Kingsland, TX or Austin, TX.  The best place I lived was Chapel Hill, NC but it's so expensive now there's no way I could ever afford it.  I got me a little part time job - it's only like 9 hours a week so I'm hoping it's not too stressful. It's nice to get out of the house.  I do fundraising for Johns Hopkins which I feel is a little crazy considering i'm pretty sure tuition is ridiculous there but who am I to judge.  I wish I could reach out to total strangers and beg for money (which I have) and actually get some because unlike Hopkins I actually need help! The people seem nice, a lot of them are students, have been students or work for Hopkins I haven't spoken with everyone that works there but i'm none of the above.

I'm still fighting for my social security disability to get reinstated that would be so amazing.  Still really struggling with addiction like what the fuck does it take to be sober and enjoy life not that I enjoy life inebriated at all but i dont enjoy it sober either.  I want to have joy in my heart not negativity all the time I might even have to give up gambling too. Food is a big problem for me too the only way I can Sat at off the food is to be strung out on meth and never have money for food but this is not an option in more ways than 1.

So here today I make a commitment to myself and to my kids:

1. I will spend less time on my phone doing unproductive things (I.e. - playing useless games)

2. I will spend time with my kids in more fun ways rather than just sitting with them in front of our screens.

2. I will spend more time taking care of my mother's house.

3. I will eat less and try and make sure it's healthy food.

4. I will no longer take narcotics that aren't prescribed by a physician.

5. I will exercise at least 3 days a week.

I'll try to keep you all (if anyone actually reads this) posted weekly

Sorry For The Delay

So I know it has been a long time since I posted and I intended for this blog to be regular and still do I'm just going through a lot at the moment.  Case in point - today we will be getting the notice that they are selling my moms house due to foreclosure.  My mom has been running around trying to pack the house up and I've been trying to avoid the situation like the plague;  but now shit is getting real.  I have barriers set up against me to work - there is a warrant for my arrest in Austin, TX and there is a 10 year gap in my resume.  I was on disability for 5 years (SSDI) - then the powers that be said nope your no longer disabled so HAHAHA we take it away (Feb 2017) and I've been denied twice for disability since Nov 2018. 

I guess my plan of action is, if all goes to shit, I will go to Austin to turn myself in so that I can get that taken care of - I feel like it is all I can do because I can't work to earn the money to pay the ticket.

I was so excited to get on here to go through my spiritual journey with the 1 or 2 people that actually read this - and I intend to share this with y'all still.  There is just so much going on I don't know what to post and from what I have read you have to get a subject and stick to it with a blog - well I'm One Fucked Up Individual so I can't just get a subject and stick to it so it is what it is.

As far as my spiritual journey, I have said for years about the entertainment industry being a means to distract the human race by entertaining us and wow lookie there I was right - it's funny when you find out you are not totally crazy.  They have been trying to make people like me look like nuts for a long time - but now the nuts are speaking up and it feels amazing - but it can be bothersome too.  Like everything to me now is a conspiracy I feel like Mel Gibson in that movie Conspiracy Theory.  I worry that they are going to start looking at my posts and watching me following me in those black cars with black tinted windows like in Texas LOL - no that's not funny there are actual people in Austin that just fuck with you to drive you crazy!  Yeah I know sounds crazy but it is true!

So starting in January I was going to do the SELF 2020 challenge - however now that we are probably going to have to be out of this house in January my SELF 2020 challenge will be Challenging mySELF to take mySELF jail 2020. UGH FML but still trying to stay positive because negativity just breeds negative energy which will just make the situation worse.  Prayers positive energy and love are appreciate and always sent out to those who read and those who don't if we could embrace more love and positive energy (and THC) the world would be amazing!!

Love and Positivity to You!!! 

Prayers and love to those who loved Joseph Pinrod

So I got an email from this blog on psych centralhttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2019/10/3-lesser-known-tips-to-make-positive-changes-in-your-life/#.XaqR19mvGJM.link
And the first thing they suggest for positive change is a vision board that you create from like clipping items so I'm going to work on this tonight and I'll post it when it's done.  On a sad note tonight I learned that an accuaintance of mine I knew on the streets of Austin, TX died of a heroin overdose.  My Heart and prayers to those who loved him and knew him.